Brokenness

We are all so deeply broken....  Most of us don't even realize the extent of our own brokenness.    Because we don't realize just how damaged and lost we are, we don't know just how desperately we need Jesus.  We don't realize just how precious the gift of his sacrifice for us was, is, and is to come.  

I know, I know.... seems kinda heavy as the opening of a blog, right?  This morning I had the privilege of attending church with an incredible community of followers of Jesus Christ at Reality LA in Hollywood.  Now I know you've heard people talk about how great their churches are before, "the music" this, or "the message" that...  This is a place where God is moving.  The community there is actively seeking Jesus Christ.  The congregation cries out to God in worship with every ounce of their bodies, minds and spirits every time I've attended.  It is an atmosphere of reverence for God and intimacy with Jesus.  The Holy Spirit is so thick among this body.  The Pastor, Tim Chaddick is such a blessing in his honesty, authenticity and passion for the gospel and for Jesus Christ.  There is no pretense whatsoever about this man.  He is never afraid to preach truth, no matter how uncomfortable it may make people.  For example; today he preached about "Sexual Brokenness".   

"Woah, woah, woah...back the truck up", you may say, "he talked about SEX in CHURCH?!?".  

Yes, my friend.  Yes he did.  I came into the middle of a 3 week series on Sex.  In fact, if you feel so compelled I encourage you to follow this link to last week's sermon, "God's Design for Sex" at  http://www.realityla.com/#sermons.  

But I digress....

After he preached about how broken we all are, be it due to sexual sin or otherwise, he talked about the process of Sanctification.  He explained that what Sanctification means is "as a result of justification, you are now on a trajectory toward glory with God" which means, there is direction you are heading as a result of what Jesus has already done.  He talked about repentance and how it is to be a lifestyle because God is in the process of remaking you.    He talked about 3 things you discover during the process of Sanctification:

1. the DEPTH of sin in our lives.  Specifically linked to sexual sin, he said that behind every sexual struggle is a deeper issue.  Maybe you're angry with God and acting out as a means of rebellion.  Maybe you have a sense of entitlement because you've lived a certain way and maintained a certain level of purity and God hasn't delivered what you feel you deserve (i.e. a spouse or what have you).  Maybe your struggle points to a dissatisfaction with God....  Deep inside of yourself you don't truly believe that Jesus is all that you need...

That is the one that hit me right between the eyes.  It's true.  I don't trust Jesus to be my everything.  I don't trust Jesus to satisfy me completely.  I trust Jesus to satisfy me if he brings me the career that I want and a husband and family living in the city that I want to live in and if I accomplish all the things I want to accomplish....   but I don't trust him entirely to give me what's best for me because I am so convinced that I know what is best for me.  

Another thing that you discover in Sanctification:

2.  The DEPTH of your need for Jesus.  

  You ever notice how impossible it is to convince somebody of  a need they don't think they have?  The deeper we grow in our relationships with Christ, the more he reveals to us about what needs to change in us.  And the more we realize just how hopeless we are without him, which brings me to the 3rd discovery we make in this process;

3.  the DEPTH of joy we have in Christ.

I think of the woman in Luke 7:36-50 who washes Jesus feet with a jar of perfume and wipes them off with the hair on her head.  This woman knew what kind of depravity she was living in and so she was so grateful to Jesus for his forgiveness and direction.  Those who are forgiven of much love much.  The more that Jesus reveals to us about just how lost we are without him, the more we rejoice in who he is and what he's done for us.  And the more we cling to him and become like him, the closer we move toward our future glory with Christ in Heaven which God is restoring us to even now.  

Heavy stuff...I know.   But it's SUCH good news!!!  Yesterday actually marked 11 years for me as a Christian.  God is really starting to challenge me and grow me deeper in my walk with him.  I am learning more and more about who Jesus is and how much he loves me and all of us with every passing day.  I realize now that NOTHING will ever satisfy the way he will.  I will be searching forever if I try to find something else to take the place of Jesus Christ in my life.  

The most wonderful discovery I've made is this;  because of Jesus presence in my life, I already have everything I need.  Granted, that's the hardest one to remember sometimes, especially when things aren't going the way I want them to, but I'm choosing to trust God and his will for me rather than keep trying to do things my own way.  I pray that every desire I have for me that is not of God will fall away and will be replaced with Jesus Christ and everything he wants to do in and through me.  Please pray for me.  I need it!

A new chapter....

It's been an interesting year. Being home in my dad's house has been a humbling experience... not to mention a heck of a learning experience as this has been the first time in my life I've actually lived with a "family". (You see... I am an only child and my folks divorced when I was young and so much of my life growing up was spent with one parent or another and I was often home alone.) Learning to share my space, dealing with the noise when I'm trying to sleep, having to exercise patience in ways that were foreign to me (i.e. sharing a bathroom)... well, needless to say, it's been an adventure.



Another leg of the adventure: my finances. It's been a struggle this year to try and get everything sorted out again. To live with no money and to learn how to manage it with small failures and even smaller successes intermingled along the way... To go from making a living doing what I love and am most passionate about in life to working for Starbucks and serving in a steakhouse.... the two definitely feel MORE than worlds apart for me. I've learned a lot about responsibility and how life isn't always pleasant, but you always have to keep going.



Spiritually. God has grown me tremendously this year. I've learned so much about patience, perseverance, trust, faith, being still and waiting on God. I've also had an amazing opportunity to be involved with the leadership of Satellite ministries at Grace Community Church. It's challenged me to live my life to a higher standard. One that sets an example, even amidst my own struggles, failures and weaknesses. Accountability of this kind, (being in front of a body of believers on a regular basis) is a blessing and a half.



Dance. In lieu of injuring my voice last year, I was forced to give it some time to rest and recuperate and in the spirit of continuing to work hard at my craft and be productive in my time at home, I devoted myself to the dance studio. In doing so I discovered a new passion and truly, one of my greatest sources of joy in this life. I've never had to work so hard to be good at anything before. In dance I struggle, I fail, I fall on my butt (literally), I commit myself, I challenge my body to do things my mind tells it it is incapable of and little by little, my successes start to outweigh my failures. I am a strong dancer now. A true triple threat in my field and feel ready to take on the world again, armed with new artillery that has been refortified and made ready for any challenge.



So now.... I've been home for a year. (Which is a year longer than I ever planned on living in Visalia again.) I am more than ready to return to the pursuit of my passions and my career as a performer. I never feel more alive than when I am on stage singing, dancing, acting.... reaching people and giving them something they can relate to. Something that can make them smile, make them laugh, make them cry, make them angry... make them feel something. Something that makes them feel as alive as I do in creating it. I understand now, that God created me the way he did with specific purpose in mind and that purpose may not be to serve him in full time ministry with my music. Though I do believe that I will continue to serve in churches is some capacity of another for the rest of my life, I believe (at least for right now) that the best way that I can glorify God is to do what I do, to do it skillfully and with conviction, and to live my life in a way that is set apart, that bears fruit and inspires people to walk a closer walk with the God who created them. Now, along with this realization comes some responsibility; I can't do what I do best here in Visalia. I need to be in Los Angeles or New York and hitting the pavement every day. I need to audition at least 5 days out of the week, to dance, to train with a voice coach, to act, to polish my chops and to stop making excuses as to why I'm afraid to. Yes, I have financial responsibilities I need to take care of, and I will. You know why? Because God provides. If he's calling me into the life I just described, He will provide a way for me to meet the needs of my financial obligations. I have the opportunity to live with my mom and step-dad down south. I can commute the 35 minutes (without traffic) into Hollywood for auditions and I can work...well, somewhere. I don't mind doing the menial job that is less satisfying if I'm in a place where I can pursue everything that is so important to me to a degree that it may actually yield some fruit from my labor.

Now is the time. Time to take action. I know what I was created for; to serve God, to worship and to perform. It's time to ownership of my life again and move forward into the next chapter. To move closer to my God and the life he has for me. It's time to stop being afraid and start living again.